Clarity Shot #40

- I should really do this … but when I hear myself saying “should”, my desire to go for it dissolves…

She said casually, sipping her coffee, while I contemplated how to break the news that there’s nothing casual about shoulds…

You see, some years ago, I developed a highly-sensitive radar for shoulds. It turned out to be one of my top 5 all-times development skills: spotting and unboxing the shoulds.

When I hear them, in conversations, in coaching sessions, or in my own head, they’re like a huge neon sign flashing at me, that I just cannot ignore.

A priceless red flag, especially when it comes out in this combination:

“I know I should [x], but…”

… I know I should exercise, but I have so many things going on, there’s no time.

… I know I shouldn’t take it personal, but it is personal for me.

… I know I should be more disciplined, but that’s not who I am.

… I know I should stop eating junk, but I’ve tried it so many times before, I just can’t do it.

… I know good things take time, but it’s so hard to persist doing this when I can’t see any progress.

Can you hear what’s really going on, in each of these situations?

Can you feel how insignificant the “knowing” part becomes, when we look at the chances for real action, in each situation?

Can you hear both craving and resignation, in the words that come out?

You see, “should” is a crucial word. It brings into the spotlight two realities that clash inside… and that often keep us stuck in the way things are. The way they’ve always been, though we “know” they should be different.

Knowing what you should do… has no real impact.
Doing it does…

And on the way to doing… if “should” comes up, just take a moment to investigate what it really has to say:

… That you crave to be in better shape, and you have a life full of other commitments.

… That you’d like to keep your cool, and be constructive, in sensitive discussions on topics that matter a lot to you.

… That you crave for consistent action to follow your dreams, and at the same time, you have a history that gives you little confidence that you’ll be able to do that.

… That you’d like to eat more nutritious food, and it’s hard to believe you’ll succeed, as you’re still carrying the burden of previous disappointments.

… That you wish for patience and you also wish for certainty that you’re going into the right direction, and both seem to elude you now.

There’s an inner conflict to see and resolve, before you can go on, and do what you know you should be doing. 

We often brush it aside and hurry onwards with life, hoping things will somehow work out… or we already gave up on the possibility that things could be different. And nothing quite changes…

You see, inner conflicts are hard to love, and hard to look at.

A sort of “acquired taste”, like anchovies, haggis, or olives.

But they are quite useful, once you see them, because they give you some hints about why change (or progress) is hard. 

They also reveal the real problem, the solvable one, so you can move forward.

So, in the situations above, how about rephrasing:

• I know I should exercise [in order to get in good shape and feel awesome] and I need to say no to something I’m currently doing, to make time for exercise -> which gets me (or you, if you’re also having this issue) into problem-solving something that can actually be solved. Into making new choices, prioritising, empowering ourselves in giving time to what is truly important.

• I know I shouldn’t take it personal [in order to preserve a good relationship and have a chance to resolve this conflict we’re having] and I need to find ways to remind myself how much our relationship matters to me, in the heat of the moment.

• … (you try the next 3)

This week’s Clarity Shot is an unexpected invitation in developing your own super-powers of seeing neon signs… and an exercise in looking at realities that clash when you find yourself saying:

“I know I should do x, but y”

Start with easier ones and build the muscles and the practice of untangling your own inner conflicts, so you clear the road of obstacles for action… and if you need some help with that, you know I’m just a few clicks away.