Clarity Shot #47
Hey there,
How are you? How are things going in your life? Are you starting the new quarter on a high roll of energy and enthusiasm, making good progress on your goals?
For me, the weather outside [terribly cold and stormy for spring, here in Romania] finally matches the weather within.
It’s been a stormy couple of weeks, and I feel worn-out and tired of things not advancing, unexpected obstacles popping up every couple of days, and an emotional rollercoaster taking me on a ride that doesn’t seem to end soon.
Like any crisis, it’s an excellent opportunity to strengthen my skills in all those uncomfortable areas where skills can only be strengthened when things are not going your way.
Only that I have little drive to practice anything, and an insatiable urge to complain about everything not going well:
A colleague that’s keeping me in the dark about something important
Muddy waters in terms of a new project
Unfortunate timing on three other projects
Other colleagues that take a long time to respond though we’re on a deadline
Kids getting a cold (again)
Holiday being too far away
More requests coming my way though I have very little bandwidth for new topics
No time for that course I really want to find time for
…
Hidden behind all my complaints, there is a tipping point.
You see, every time I feel the urge to complain, I know two important things are happening:
👉 I am no longer feeling safe, so I am unconsciously grabbing complaining as an emotional shield.
👉 I’m feeling overwhelmed & resentful, which means that I am not looking at my own part in the way things are. (also, “the way things are” is almost never “the way things are in my complaints”)
Once I recognise that, I have clarity about the way forward:
✅ Safety: what can I do to find again firm ground beneath my feet? I…
Start journalling so I become aware of the doom scenarios in my head. They’re buried deep, behind the surface of conscious thoughts, creating noise and blurring my perceptions, unseen. I bring them out and I hold them in plain sight to see what message they carry.
Face that doom scenario in my favourite exercise of fear-setting
Ground myself in all the things that feel safe right now: comfy home, a cup of tea, my cat sleeping near me. Something sensory, comfortable, in reach, that can reset the doom scenario with proof that “life is safe in this moment”.
✅ Owning my part: I’ve learned this many many years ago, in the context of a painful performance conversation with a low performer in my team.
I was a bundle of frustration with everything that person did, or didn’t do… and I was about to storm into a discussion about how things should be, how disappointed I am, and how I expect better.
Only that I was too angry to have this chat. At that time, I was going through a leadership course, and there was a checklist for giving feedback, that turned my world upside down.
It said: “if you can’t find at least one good thing to appreciate about the other person, you’re not ready to give feedback”.
I was fuming. Find good things, when he did everything the wrong way and caused serious trouble???
Fuming, I chose to trust the course, though I was bursting with righteous anger. Difficult extremes to handle at the same time… My mind was not cooperating with finding good things: it was going in circles about everything that was wrong, a zillion times a day. One day after the other…
Until I got sooo tired of it.
Tired of complaining.
Tired of ruminating.
So I stopped.
I couldn’t see any good things, but something else emerged: I started seeing my own part in this.
At first, I was mortified (and spent a long time being mortified!)
Then, the tipping point came: I traded my complaints for the power to do something about it.
➡️ I could have been clearer -> so I started to write down all the things I could be more clear about, in this work relationship.
➡️ I could have used a firm tone and more accountability, instead of letting things slip and accumulating resentment -> so I looked at what I could have done, right before resentment appeared, and put in place firm boundaries about what’s acceptable and what’s not.
➡️ I could have explained my expectations about the right behaviours so that there’s no room for misinterpretation -> so I made a list of everything I presumed was “common sense” and took it to my meeting, to make sure we have a common understanding of them.
Most importantly, instead of losing power by admitting that I had played a part in this low performance situation, I gained the power to do things differently, going forward.
Many years went by, and resentments & complaints are still my best allies. When they come around, I now know that it’s time to take a closer look and own my part in whatever’s causing me to feel that way.
It’s not immediate, of course: I still get caught up in complaining a lot… but when I become aware of it, the way forward is clear. I take a piece of paper and write:
👉 What is actually happening, or not happening?
👉 What’s my list of complaints about the other person, the situation, life generally?
👉 What is my role in each of these?
Could I have picked a different attitude? Could I have been more explicit? Could I have been more respectful of my own needs? Could I have stated my requests in a clearer, kinder way instead of fuming about what’s not going well?
👉 How can I own this, moving forward?
So this week’s Clarity Shot invites you to own your part of the story, and enjoy the power to move forward by turning complaints and resentment into changed behaviour, clear language, explicit boundaries and crystal clear expectations.